Buried in work and responsibilities I have felt stuck these last few weeks with the space in the margins of my planner seemingly to have disappeared.  We’ve had family birthdays to celebrate, future plans begging to be made, previous commitments needing to be honored and figuring out the whole voting thing, that in and of itself is a time eater.  All this in addition to the day to day necessities to navigate.  And, with the current COVID landscape, it seems everything takes.  Just.  That.  Little.  Bit. Longer.  Leaving little time for the extras. 

The extra breath needed to recenter and make sure the direction I’ve headed in is the correct one.  The extra time to snuggle with my husband as we watch silliness unfold on the TV.  The extra time to enjoy my coffee in the morning as I read a book purely for escaping to a world of fantasy and not because I am trying to facilitate social change or be a better version of myself.  

Please don’t misunderstand, busy is good in so many wonderful ways and I am so grateful to have family around with reasons to celebrate.  It just seems life sped up and I was spinning on the merry-go-round again wondering how to get off.  And truthfully, wondering how I got there again.  I had stepped off many months ago and thought, ‘Ahhh, that is so much better.  No need to be there again,’ because in the spinning I lose a bit of my direction.  I become stuck in the mire of should’s and need to’s with no room for the wants and dreams.  The treadmill of life takes over and the little girl in me is pushed aside and forgotten.  

My first inkling this was happening was when I began to forget to check in with her, see how she was doing and when I did, the response was basically shrugged shoulders, like do you really care?  I puzzled over this but didn’t take the time to really sit with her, to ask about the response and allow her time to respond.  In retrospect I am sure it seemed I really didn’t care.  

Indeed, what she recognized and I failed to was that I was falling back into a long time pattern of neglecting who I am for the sake of productivity and bowing to everyone else’s wants, needs and desires without acknowledging my own because it is easy.  Not only is it the path of least resistance but it is also the one I learned to take as a young child to maintain connection with my caregivers.  While this path may be necessary at times is not the one for me travel everyday for it ultimately leads to the death of who I truly am.  Something that doesn’t serve me or my loved ones.  

Something that I have come to believe in my heart is that in not allowing ourselves to be fully who we are meant to be, we not only hurt ourselves, but we are also depriving the world of our unique gifts.  Our unique perspectives.  Our unique souls.  In not speaking our dreams, our truths, our needs, we deny others the chance to speak theirs.  It is rather ironic in this country based on freedom that we are so confined by societal norms and expectations that we feel the need to deny who we are.  But that is another rabbit hole for another day.  For today,  I will strive to remember and honor who I am even when it means extra work or elicits a sense of discomfort.  I will strive to mark out time on my calendar to spend it with my mini me, just the two of us, exploring our world.  I will strive to remember that I don’t need to shoulder others burdens, energies or emotions.  Those are their lessons.  My lesson is to witness, to hold space and to assist when asked if I am able.   It is time to leave the margins blank on my planner again.  

Wishing you dear friend blank margins on your planner and the ability to honor yourself on your heartfelt journey! ~♥~