Another day of taking Mom to an appointment, tidying her apartment, prepping her next week’s meds, listening to the challenges she is facing, and trying to find solutions and offer comfort.  Tomorrow I get to repeat the routine, minus the med prepping, as she has another appointment.  Not the activity I would choose the day before Thanksgiving, indeed, not really the activity I would choose on any given day.  

Truthfully, I had thought things would be different at this phase in my life.  Semi-retired; children are now adults, and I have grandchildren to enjoy. I thought I would have more time to pursue all the things I had put off until later.  But my writing is still done in stolen moments between obligations, scrapbooking, and other craft projects are left for a future yet to become the present.  Meditation and energy classes bookmarked but not signed up for because, despite the pull of my heart, I don’t feel I can make them a priority. The list goes on. With the ever shifting needs of my mother, I am loath to commit to future obligations or begin new projects.  This is the world I now find myself in, and I know it is a choice on my part – a choice to be there for my mother or a choice to follow my desires.  And while I try to accommodate both to a degree, I have consciously chosen to make Mom the priority, to shoulder the burden of her care.  

For all the disappointments and the occasional resentment that choose to express themselves with this arrangement, I am finding that, with the burden and responsibilities, there are also blessings and things for which to be grateful.  Spending this time with Mom has allowed me to learn more about who she is and was as a person, at least from her perspective.  I have heard stories about my ancestors I would have never known and listened to a history of experiences I never lived, learning lessons along the way.  I have learned to have a voice and speak up for others in a way that is forceful when needed, yet always mindful of the need to not create enemies.  My patience has grown as I watch her navigate ever so slowly down the halls of medical offices with her walker, and my attention to my own health is more focused than before.  I have learned the ins and outs of making things easier for her while still respecting her sovereignty, including allowing her to keep her ‘organized’ piles of those things she wishes to stay visible on every counter and table surface possible.  

As Thanksgiving Day approaches, a day given to remember blessings, usually focused on more pedestrian things such as food, the beginning of the gift giving season, and family and friends, I find I am grateful for so much more.  While I am not grateful to find myself in a place in life I don’t really feel I would have happily chosen, I am grateful to have found the blessings among the burdens.  I am thankful for the quiet moments, for the mending of a relationship that happens in companionship, the stories shared and new stories made together, and for the many life lessons I am learning.  And perhaps, that is where the magic of this life manifests, and we are meant to live in the contradictions and embrace them. Perhaps it is the burdens that help us find the blessings. 

Wishing you, dear friend, many blessings and much gratitude as you embrace the contradictions on your heartfelt journey. ~♥~

~ Perhaps it is the burdens that help us find the blessings. ~