It is a six letter word, made up of two vowels and four consonants.  At first appearance this word is rather unassuming.  It doesn’t cause any strong response, either positive or negative, it just is.  However, for me, this word has had a very troubling habit of creeping into my vocabulary on a far too regular basis without me even being aware of it.  

I was in my mid twenties and working with a therapist for a few sessions to figure out how to get through the baby blues when I first became aware of how insidious ‘should’ was in my speech patterns.  Listening to me describe my daily life my therapist stopped me and noted how many times I used this tricky little word to describe my days.  She challenged me to try to ban it (or at least limit it’s use to a few times a week) from my vocabulary, both internal and vocal.  Should be easy I told her, and so began my journey with this creepy little word!

My therapist’s  concern with my use of the word ‘should’ was that I wasn’t being kind to myself and expecting too much.  Trying to not fail the task set forth for me I diligently began substituting the words ‘need to’ for ‘should’ when I would catch myself.  This wasn’t an acceptable solution from my therapist’s point of view and understandably so.  Mentally telling myself ‘I need to’ about everything was not any kinder than using the forbidden word ‘should.’  Unfortunately she didn’t have any alternatives for my mental chatter and as a young mother, overwhelmed with life, being kind to myself seemed pretty low on the priority list.  Being made aware of how I used this word, however, was the beginning of a journey.  

 For years I found myself repeating this little word more often than is healthy but without alternative solutions and not understanding the underlying cause for using it, I felt I was out of options.  More recently, however, I began to sit with this word when it would creep into conversations with myself.  As I  reflected on its usage I did find that it bore some responsibility in contributing to my feeling of unworthiness and seemed to be a drain on my energy and motivation.  I should work longer hours. I should have been more kind. I should be less sensitive. I should….fill in the blank and it reinforces an unfavorable perspective of myself or whoever the subject happened to be.  And truly, no one is motivated to do something just because they should. What I didn’t realize or understand for many years, was that by using ‘should’ I was not accepting reality and was also reinforcing a negative or lacking perspective of myself.

With this insight I began changing my internal conversations. I determine what issue I am trying to avoid or alter, then I modify the conversation with myself to I will do or not do.  This is in essence accepting what is real and affords me the  the opportunity of choosing to make changes when warranted.  I’ve also learned with others to ask if they will do something instead of using the word should.  It is not my role to know their needs or what is best for them anyway, so to burden them with a should is not fair.  In addition, sometimes I will use the word ‘want’ as a substitution to ‘should’ when ‘will do’ is not a viable option at the time and to ‘not do’ just closes a door I want left open for the future.   

Even with these new found alternatives, excluding should from my vocabulary is an ongoing mental game. Now when it pops up I question myself, what am I avoiding or not willing to accept? Is there something I can change or learn from this?  This exercise for me has lead to more peace and harmony with myself and others as well as opportunities to grow and learn from what I had avoided in the past. 

How is your relationship with should?  Let me know in the comments below or drop me an email.  I would love to know your thoughts and/or if you have a found a word that works best for you!

Wishing you much kindness and grace for yourself as well as  opportunities to grow on your heartfelt journey! ~♥~