It’s funny how we recognize something in another that we don’t see in ourselves.  I had heard often that others are a mirror to us if we care to look and pay attention but I am not sure I ever truly understood or believed this theory.  I have found that when I am sitting in judgement of another that is usually a signal that I have healing to address but for other emotions or thoughts which I don’t identify as a ‘judgement’ I hadn’t felt this mirror business held true.  Until I listened to a podcast by Kara Lowentheil about entitlement.  

You may remember a few months back my revelation about my relationship with the word should.  For me, I had come to understand it to be my red flag that I was denying reality and not accepting the present moment.  And while I still believe this to be true, Kara added another dimension to this word, proposing that when we use it we are also expressing a sense of entitlement.  Whoa, I thought, entitlement?  That is not me though I see it in others on a regular basis.  I have many character flaws but that isn’t one of them!  Yet as I sat in denial, I realized perhaps with this strong reaction, there was more to this conversation for me than I originally thought.  With this internal dialogue I decided to listen to Kara’s words with a more open perspective about how something I had thought was a character flaw, she believed was a mere coping mechanism.  

When we use the word should, we are determining the parameters of an outcome based on our wants and desires, not what is real.  So the ‘I should have been able to run the full marathon because I’ve been training for it’ is a statement of entitlement and is not necessarily a viable expectation.  Your body may tell you a different story that perhaps your training wasn’t sufficient for the task you were demanding of it, perhaps there were more elevation changes in the course than you anticipated or some other unexpected criteria which prevented you from crossing the finish line.  Your ‘should’ didn’t take into account all the parameters for the desired outcome.  Sure some parameters are apparent but others often may be unrecognized or even unknown.  Bingo!  Here was the gut punching realization for me.  My far too consistent demand of ‘I should accomplish x, y, z today’ is my entitlement speaking of how I feel about time and we all know the reality of time is there is only 24 hours in a day.  I do express entitlement, perhaps differently than others may, but it is entitlement all the same.  

Thankfully Kara took this conversation another step explaining that when our sense of entitlement comes alive, she feels that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with us but this is rather a reaction to fear.  It is the fear of not having enough, not being enough that motivates us to reach out in entitlement.  With this new understanding I reflected on how I had judged others with their requests and demands and saw the truth in this.  The person that feels entitled to the promotion is perhaps afraid of never being promoted or of their inability to do the work it will take to get there.  The person on the diet and exercise regime that believes she should have already lost the weight she wanted is scared she won’t loose the weight or won’t be able to adhere to the changes long term and realize her goals.  And me, in my I should accomplish x, y, z today, I am afraid I won’t have the time to do what is necessary and then at at the very least will look irresponsible and at the worst like a failure.  

So dear friends, I encourage you watch when ‘should’ creeps into your vocabulary and recognize it not only as a signal you are arguing with reality but also look for what fear it may be hiding.  What underlying motivation is nudging you to express a desired outcome that doesn’t align with the real world?  Look at it closely with compassion and be with it, breathing through the feelings it elicits.  Then hold yourself tenderly and know that you are strong enough.  You are smart enough.  That you are enough just as you are.  

Wishing you much love and compassion as you face your known and unknown fears on your heartfelt journey! ~♥~