Physical boundaries are easy to understand as many times we see them with some visual demarcation.  Some of these are meant to be crossed like state lines or may be crossed if requirements have been met as when traveling to another country or being invited into someone’s house.  There are many other boundaries, however, most of these unseen, that are not meant to be crossed but respected.  Respected by ourselves as well as others.  It is these ‘invisible’ boundaries that I have had struggles with through the years, being able to ascertain other people’s boundaries readily but blind to establishing and maintaining mine. 

It is in my nature, my programmed behavior, to consistently extend myself for others, no matter the cost to myself.  I have found it difficult to understand and recognize where someone else’s needs and my needs diverge, but I am learning and growing in this and personal boundaries are a part of this growth.  The practice of establishing personal boundaries is not skill I developed in my formative years, nor did I have an underlying innate understanding of the process, so setting boundaries and maintaining them has been one of trial and error leading to a few important lessons learned. 

The first lesson in this practice of setting boundaries is that they pertain to myself as well as others.  This may seem confusing but in the beginning as I set boundaries with others, these boundaries would melt away because I wasn’t respecting my own line drawn in the sand.  I would let others walk right through the invisible barrier I established because I would find an excuse to let the boundary fall.  A simple example would be time I had set aside for myself, be it a doctor’s appointment or even just eating.  Someone at work or a family member would suddenly have a need  and reach out asking for me to give up this time I had carved out for myself and I would agree.  I could eat another time or reschedule the appointment and while yes, sometimes this may be a necessity, I was always accommodating others before myself.  I was not showing myself the love that I deserved and wanted.  So a primary guideline I follow is respecting the boundary as it pertains to myself.  Doing this isn’t easy and is an ongoing practice, but has lead to an inner peace that I treasure dearly.  

Another lesson I learned as I began setting boundaries with others is that as you change the rules of a relationship feelings are ruffled.  Clear communication with my family and friends of what I was willing to do and what my expectations were versus theirs became extremely important.  Clear communication and honesty with myself is an important part of this process as well. I now question myself, what am I really comfortable with giving not what do I feel I should give.  The next most important guideline for me is honest and clear communication with myself first and then with others.  

Perhaps the most painful lesson was that not everyone will respect your boundaries.  I had push back from most everyone when I began this process, but from some the pushback was more.  It was outright disregard.  It is these times I struggle the most and have found it easy to give in.  I’ve told myself perhaps I am being unreasonable, not kind enough, not understanding enough of another’s situation.  In those instances that I have given in, however, I find myself miserable and in a place of resentment.  So I am learning to sit back, remember to respect myself first and then kindly as possible, let the person(s) know that this is no longer a topic, place or relationship for me.  Taking this action, while not easy, has allowed for some unexpected healing.  

This world of boundary setting for me is an ongoing exercise and one that I work on daily.  It has gotten easier but is still something I have to be intentional about.  I continue to learn from others as I observe how they set boundaries and keep them and I believe perhaps someday, it will become second nature to me as well.  

Wishing you beautiful, respected boundaries on your heartfelt journey!