It is a story that is quite old in our family, one that has been retold several times at Christmas, Thanksgiving…anytime we are all together.  It is now fondly regaled with lots of laughter but when it happened there was no laughter involved.  There was anger.  There were harsh words.  There was a feeling of unworthiness.  Then silence.

The incident began innocently, even joyfully, as my husband, youngest son and I were shopping for our grocery needs one evening in preparation for a camping trip that was to begin the next day.  One of the things we traditionally took with us were Ho Ho’s and/or Ding Dongs by Hostess to be devoured after a long day of play.  These were not traditionally allowed in our house but when camping they were the perfect indulgence.  We split up through the store bringing items back to the cart to be more efficient in our shopping and on one of these trips I noticed by husband had put a box of Ho Ho’s in the cart.  I prefer Ding Dongs so I replaced the Ho Ho’s with a box of Ding Dongs.  My son, who was a bit wiser about what I had just done, commented that changing the boxes out was going to cause problems.  I brushed his concern away and argued they were essentially the same thing and because our trip was going to be a short one there was no need for a box of each.  

Needless to say when my husband found out what I had done after loading the groceries in the camper, he was less than pleased and my son gave me the ‘I told you so’ look that I realized was coming.  What really stumped me at the time was when I explained to my husband why I made the exchange, he didn’t counter with, ‘if they are essentially the same then why did you change them out?’ as that is what I then began questioning to myself.  And truth be told, though they are both made of chocolate cake, chocolate frosting and vanilla creme, the portions of each of these was different.  Ding Dong’s have more chocolate cake and Ho Ho’s had more of the vanilla creme but the question of what was the difference is not the real question here of what happened.  

The real question to ask is why did I feel the need to change the item out without consulting with my husband?  This is the crux of the issued buried under all the chocolate cake, frosting and vanilla creme.  And believe it or not it has taken me more than a decade of this story to realize the true underlying nature of this.  In reflecting back on this incident I began to ponder the why of what I did.  What immediately came to me is that while I truly did prefer the Ding Dongs, the real issue was that I had so often neglected my desires and wants, acquiescing to those of my family, that I felt it was my turn to make the decision for everyone.  No consultation needed.  No discussion.  Full stop.  Not a very harmonious way to assert myself in retrospect.  

The wonderful thing about this lesson was it has helped me learn to make my preferences known if I truly care.  Being subtle isn’t going to get the job done and being underhanded creates strife and then me regretting the action which reinforces that my wants and desires really don’t matter.  Speaking up for myself has not been easy after a lifetime of staying silent and something that I continue to have to work on, but the rewards have been incredible. 

And my husband’s take on this as the story is retold?  It took him over a decade to finally look at me and question, ‘If they are essentially the same thing, then why did you make the change?’ at which point I laughed and said ‘I can’t believe it took you this long.’  

Wishing you dear friend much insight as you ask the real question of why and find your voice in your heartfelt journey.  ~♥~