I am an adult.  Adult responsibilities.  Bills to pay, children to lead, tasks to accomplish, a home to clean and maintain.  And yet, there is still a little three-year-old inside of me demanding attention over and over again in the most inopportune times and the unlikeliest of places.  I have also witnessed this with many other ‘adults’  who, regardless of their chronological age, are reduced to toddlers demanding what they want even when there is a lack of logic behind the request.  I have pondered this for many years and joked with coworkers and friends alike, not understanding the significance of these tantrums, but the dots finally connected for me this week. 

I was listening to Brene Brown and Harriet Lerner discuss apologies and how they can be either a great way to communicate and build connection or a great way to stop connection depending on how they are given.  Through her research Ms.  Lerner has determined the things required for an apology to build connection.   A couple are the lack of a ‘but’  or lecture after the apology is given.  Another is that the apologizer’s primary motivation shouldn’t be a way to ask for something in return, ie forgiveness.    It is wonderful to receive grace but a true apology that seeks to build connection is not contingent on this.  Listening to these two brilliant and compassionate ladies discuss all this it became clear that often ‘I’m sorry’s’  are given because the person apologizing is not able to process their own emotions around the event and the apology becomes the way to pass along this responsibility to someone else.  Reflecting back on some of my apologies I was definitely guilty of this.  I had just taken my first step on this path of awareness of how I was unknowingly transferring my unhealed emotions to others.   

In the last few months my husband and I have had many changes in our day to day lives.  Many of these changes are because of the pandemic and they have been significant changes resulting in an emotional roller coaster.  My sister, who I chat with on an almost weekly basis, has not been immune to the effects of the pandemic either.  During our most recent chat session I pretty much started the conversation with “I feel like I have emotional vomit all over me.  I know that sounds crazy but the week has been challenging and I feel like I have been the recipient of everyone else’s unwanted feelings.”  “Actually,” she said, “that doesn’t sound crazy and that is how I have been feeling as well.”  We then commiserated together about how this wasn’t necessarily an unusual experience and that wouldn’t it be nice if everyone would keep their unhealed emotions to themselves?  Red flag here for me!  When I complain about something in others I need to take a hard look at myself.  Was I responsible for emotionally vomiting on others?  Yes, unfortunately, guilty as charged.  

The final step into fully embracing this newly discovered path was in reading a book by Ibram X. Kendi.  (Such an insightful and thought provoking look at racism in our country but that is another journey for another day.)  Dr. Kendi brings to light in the book how Bill Clinton as president very publicly transferred the responsibility of what white people were feeling to the black community.  ‘Blacks must understand and acknowledge the roots of White fear in America. There is a legitimate fear of the violence that is too prevalent in our urban experience.  By experience or at least what people see on the news at night, violence for those White people too often has a Black face.’  Bill Clinton, on October 16, 1995 during a speech on the campus of the University of Texas.   Reading this through the lens Dr. Kendi provided was a pivotal point for me.  Not just in viewing the racial divides in our country but also in viewing how I interact with anyone.  In being brutally honest with myself I have far too often been guilty of playing the victim with my feelings, trying to transfer the responsibility of them to others so I didn’t have to deal with them.  Instead of listening to what I was feeling and being curious as to why the emotion was coming up so that I could process and heal it, it was much easier to dump or vomit them on someone else.  

After sitting with this new found insight for a few days I have decided to walk this new path of awareness.  To be present with what I am feeling and why.  To be curious, to see if it is the little three-year-old mini me that is stamping her foot in indignation, hands on hip or if she is curled up and sobbing in a corner because of the pain.  If it is either of these scenarios to reach out to her, to comfort her and support her and to work together to heal the wound.  If the response is not mine or my mini me, then to delve further and see if a boundary needs to be established, not out of anger or pain, but out of self compassion and healing.  Compassion and healing not only for myself but for the others involved as well.   For it is by healing ourselves, addressing our own emotions and processing through them and being accountable for our own actions and reactions that the shift happens and we help heal others.  

Much love and grace to you dear friend as you walk the path of awareness and healing, no longer the victim of circumstances or others’ emotions, on your heartfelt journey.  ~♥~

https://www.ibramxkendi.com/books-1

Unlocking Us