‘It’s only fair, isn’t it?’ Such a common phrase, but I was a bit bewildered when my mom uttered it as a defense of wishing to be treated with simple respect and decency. Fairness had nothing to do with the issue at hand, I tried to explain, but she clung to this concept of fairness in having set a boundary with someone.

Boundaries are not easy, especially with someone we wish to remain connected to, regardless of how they treat us. And yet, they are necessary for our relationships with ourselves as well as our relationships with others. Boundaries help us define who we are as individuals and assist in establishing what is acceptable, what is safe. I have learned that if the boundary is necessary for me, that is all I need to know because it is my relationship with myself that is primary.

As the conversation continued, I recognized that my mom was only comfortable establishing this boundary by seeing it through the lens of fairness. And yet, what is fairness? From the customer who believes the price of something is too expensive to the business owner who recognizes what something must sell for to cover the cost of doing business, fairness can be very subjective based on one’s position. What may seem entirely fair for one person is not to another. What I found the most sad was that my mom had so little compassion for herself that she felt she had to have an excuse to honor her needs. This issue wasn’t about fairness but how my mother wished to be treated. And, as I ponder that thought, I reflect on how often I have done the same thing. How often have I found a reason that was socially acceptable for why I needed to do what I did instead of accepting my motives and needs were valid?

It has been challenging discovering just how much I have betrayed myself over the years, neglecting who I am in the belief that it was the best way to survive and connect with people. However, the reality is it was a dishonest way to live life. I ultimately found I didn’t have a healthy relationship with myself, and those relationships I had built with others were based on the shifting sands of who I would be in that moment to accommodate their wants and needs.

The journey back home to myself, of discovering who I am again and honoring that person, has not been easy. There have been many tears, but there has also been a lot of joy. Laughter comes more easily. Grace for myself and others is more readily given. There is delight in just being able to breathe, and I am able to lean in and embrace this experience we call life, reveling in the wonder of it. There is still anger and sadness, frustration and melancholy, and those I embrace as well, holding them close as I ask what they are trying to tell me, then thanking them for their wisdom. The key for me has been to witness and validate what I am feeling. To listen and not push away the message when I don’t want to hear it. So the journey continues, leading to more insight and more wonder. A deeper understanding there can’t be joy without sadness, ease without hardship and that they all matter in their own way.  

Wishing you, dear friend, the courage to live your life and not a life dictated by others. ~♥~

When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.  

~Paul Coelho~