In the last few years I have had several people express to me that we are all here by choice.  Our souls choose our parents and the time to make the journey to this corporal world.  In many ways this idea is comforting, allowing me to believe there is a purpose behind everything I am experiencing and a reassurance that everything that happens is for a reason.  Similar to my belief that no matter the experience I am having, it is because God has placed me there for my learning and growth.  And yet, I also have free choice in so many ways.  I have the ability to direct much of what I do and experience.  Indeed, it is through choice after choice that lead me to this day, to sit here listening to the ocean play it’s melody outside and feel the breeze coming through the windows as I type these words.  

Unfortunately for much of my life the choices I have made have been reflexive in nature, action taken based on patterns developed, habits formed.  Oh, I had conscious thought for the ‘big’ decisions.  Who to marry, which car to buy, which job to take, what color to paint the living room; there was much energy and time put into these decisions.   For the smaller day to day choices, however, I have been asleep much of the time.  I am unwittingly triggered by someone’s angry words or lack of response. I’ve made the decision to avoid someone I didn’t wish to interact with without examining the underlying reasoning.  Or due to my introversion, I automatically decline social invitations as a habit without really thinking about the context of the interactions.  So many decisions and choices made without really considering the consequences good or bad.  

With these habitual patterns repeatedly playing out I had painted myself into the proverbial corner and not a pleasant or comfortable corner at that.   My initial response was to blame others, circumstances, the world; anyone but myself.  Because you see, it was easy to look back in hindsight and see those instances that perhaps none of the options were what I would have hoped for which led to me accepting direction given from someone else, defaulting to the path of least resistance in the moment,  or choosing to not choose. Ultimately, however, these were all MY choices and action or non-action, it was MY decision as no one was exerting any undue pressure.  

The wonderful thing about this corner I found myself in was that it was so painful, so uncomfortable and unchanging that it forced me to seek help. With help and guidance I was able put some distance between myself and my thoughts.  To recognize the coping skills that no longer served me.  To begin healing and to change my perspective. The ugly reality was I was the conductor of my life, leading me to where I was through unconscious choices and long developed patterns.  The beauty, however, is that I AM the conductor of my life going forward and I am able to make mindful choices.  Will I always like my options?  Of course not as my journey is a human one, not a fairytale.  Will I rely on others opinions and sometimes be misdirected?  I am sure I will.  The magic for me, however, is knowing it is through my choices that I arrive at each point in my journey.  And it will be through my choices to change direction if I wish on this heartfelt journey of learning, growing and healing.

Wishing you dear friend much mindfulness as you encounter your different paths on your heartfelt journey.  ~♥~