Have you ever not joined a class because someone you don’t like or don’t wish to associate with is in it?  Perhaps you have chosen not to go to an activity with friends because of one person or made a decision to not do something because the person that drives you crazy every time you see them loves that exact activity.  I know I have and with conscious thought and awareness behind the decision.  More recently, however, I became aware that I was making others without any conscious thought, almost a knee jerk reaction of sorts. This was brought into focus for me after experiencing an unique set of circumstances. 

 At a public event, my dear husband pointed out an instance of me literally turning away from someone and changing course.  He knew I didn’t care for this person as we had a brief interaction a few years back and I had felt very disrespected.  He chastised me for not standing my ground and saw my actions as a physical and quiet deferment to her.  What was fascinating to me was that I hadn’t consciously made the decision to change course, hadn’t even really recognized her presence until he pointed it out.  Did I truly still hold such hard feelings for her? I didn’t feel like I did and yet it appeared I had let her presence dictate my actions.  I don’t know about you, but I like to be in control of situations (and preferably the world, though I know that is not realistic) and now I was confronted with evidence that I had abdicated this control to someone I didn’t really know or even care for.  So from that point on I began to pay more attention to my actions and my decisions.  

What was truly driving my choices?  Why did I do what I do?  Did I really choose what I was doing or were there other underlying reasons that I didn’t recognize playing a part in my choices?  Once I began listen to myself, pay attention to my feelings, actions and reactions as I interacted with people, I found more often than I had realized, I was giving away that control I so desperately always seemed to want.  I was letting others choose for me based on my feelings for them.  So much for control!  

So now the truth was staring me in the face, daring to me to decide.  How much control over my life did I really want and how much was I willing to relinquish to others, some of whom I didn’t even really know or may not have my best interest at heart.  Since that time I have become more mindful of my decisions each day.  Decisions that in the past I would have made either out of habit or just automatically.  Some of these are as simple as which path to walk the dog in the morning to as complex as letting someone else’s response to me dictate my actions to them or even just letting someone else dictate my emotional state each day.  A simple example of this was on a camping trip recently as my husband vented his frustration over unwanted circumstances and I felt my joy in the day begin to slip away.   As that happened I questioned myself-did I still want to enjoy the day or did I want to let his disappointment and anger change my mood?  It took just a moment and I chose joy.  I would support him and express my empathy for him but I was going to keep my joy in the day present, front and center for me.  It was his job to work through what he was dealing with and it was my job to choose how I experienced the day.  Ultimately it seemed a win for both of us as he recognized more quickly than in the past how he was letting his emotions take charge instead of addressing them and dealing with the situation.

It is not always easy to make those choices and it is perhaps more difficult to recognize when we are abdicating control to others.  Trust me though, being more present and mindful about our actions and how others are affecting us is truly liberating, allowing for a more joyful and heartfelt experience.  Give it try and just like a muscle, the more you exercise your control, the easier it will become.

Wishing you joy in your choices on your heartfelt journey! ~♥~